ideas (thoughtful and less so)

I’m seventeen. I’m a senior in high school. You know what this means: major life decisions.

I want to go to college. I want to study International Relations.

I can’t afford to go to the colleges I want to go to. I need scholarships. I’m applying and hoping.

I am also considering taking a year off and doing something different before going to college. I have found two possible scholarship programs that would pay for me to spend a year in Germany or Norway.

I am applying to the colleges I cannot afford, and the scholarship programs, all this fall.

My father is the least supportive person of any of these things. He thinks they’re all stupid, and we have huge fights about it, and I hate it.

Why can’t I have the sort of family who is encouraging of dream-chasing?

My father says, “You think everything’s just going to work out. Well, it’s not, you’re being stupid and not thinking about this realistically!”

You know what I think? I think you’ll never get where you want and it’ll never work out if you don’t TRY, so I’m trying and hoping it works out and if it doesn’t I’ll just do something else, but I don’t think that means I shouldn’t try.

It’s just so discouraging when your own family, the people you are supposed to be able to turn to everything, can’t seem to be supportive in the least.

I don’t know what to do about it. I try to talk to them reasonably, it becomes a fight in which they insult me, my efforts, and my optimism, and I end up crying about it. But I’m not giving up on what I want to do, even though it’s really fucking hard to keep on trying when there’s no support from my own FAMILY.

I know. I’ve been away. I wasn’t at home. I was at North Carolina Governor’s School. You know, I wanted to be away from home, so it was pretty great, although it wasn’t quite the away from home that I wanted. But, enough with that. I am not talking about the past right now. I am talking about the future!

In my immediate future, I must decide where I want to apply to college. This is incredibly stressful to me, so I’m making plans to visit some of the schools I’m interested in. Several of these are in Boston. I’ve just bought a ticket–I’m going to Boston!

The last weekend in September, I’ll be flying up to Boston alone. I’ll be staying for three and a half days, visiting at least three universities. I’m going to stay with a cousin who’s in school up there. I am looking forward to it more than you can imagine! First of all, there’s the independence of travelling alone, without someone looking after me. Sure, my cousin will be there, but she knows (as my parents do not) that I do not need constant watching over. So that’s pretty exciting. Plus, I’ve never been to Boston before, and I’m looking forward to seeing the city. And, of course, I really want this visit to help me make some decisions about college.

I’ll probably also be going to DC and Baltimore to look at schools this fall, but that’s less exciting as my dad will probably be along on that trip. Not that I don’t love my dad, I just like my independence.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me.