As I make important decisions about my future, I’m excited, but also sad about the doors that are closed once I choose one to go through. Before making a decision, it feels like there are infinite amazing possibilities out there. I can only choose one, and I’ve chosen what I think is the best compromise between what I want the most and what is most practical.
However, as I make my plans, I am incredibly sad about the things I won’t be doing next year. All the things I’ve been able to dream about for the past few years are no longer in my realm of possibility. Things that I knew probably wouldn’t happen anyway, but I wanted them so badly.
My excitement about the future is marred by this feeling that my dreams have come crashing down around me. I feel loss and grief mixed in with anticipation and excitement, and it’s a bizarre and uncomfortable feeling. In a way, I wish I’d never dreamed big. I always encourage other people to chase their craziest dreams (and, as a result, some of my friends’ parents are less than fond of my influence), but I am not choosing my craziest dream. I am not sacrificing everything to make it happen. I’m doing something that I’ll enjoy, but something that was always within reach, something that I never considered “crazy,” and as happy as I am about it, I’m also terribly disappointed.
I don’t want to live life like this. I want to, at some point in my life, go after the crazy dreams. I want to do things that aren’t practical, things that I should consider impossible. I want to do the impossible. I’m telling myself that now isn’t the time….But how long will I tell myself that before it’s too late and it’ll never be my time to reach for what’s impossible?
