Lost Possibilities

As I make important decisions about my future, I’m excited, but also sad about the doors that are closed once I choose one to go through. Before making a decision, it feels like there are infinite amazing possibilities out there. I can only choose one, and I’ve chosen what I think is the best compromise between what I want the most and what is most practical. 

However, as I make my plans, I am incredibly sad about the things I won’t be doing next year. All the things I’ve been able to dream about for the past few years are no longer in my realm of possibility. Things that I knew probably wouldn’t happen anyway, but I wanted them so badly

My excitement about the future is marred by this feeling that my dreams have come crashing down around me. I feel loss and grief mixed in with anticipation and excitement, and it’s a bizarre and uncomfortable feeling. In a way, I wish I’d never dreamed big. I always encourage other people to chase their craziest dreams (and, as a result, some of my friends’ parents are less than fond of my influence), but I am not choosing my craziest dream. I am not sacrificing everything to make it happen. I’m doing something that I’ll enjoy, but something that was always within reach, something that I never considered “crazy,” and as happy as I am about it, I’m also terribly disappointed. 

I don’t want to live life like this. I want to, at some point in my life, go after the crazy dreams. I want to do things that aren’t practical, things that I should consider impossible. I want to do the impossible. I’m telling myself that now isn’t the time….But how long will I tell myself that before it’s too late and it’ll never be my time to reach for what’s impossible?

1 Comment »

  1. girljordyn Said:

    I feel like this so often. I’m happy with the choice I’m making (to stay here and finish college reasonably), but also kind of… sad about it. Like, what about all my crazy dreams? What about driving right past the exit and heading for somewhere, anywhere, else? What about all of that?

    There’s time though, I tell myself. And I’m not sure when I’ll stop believing that.

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