freedom

What it all comes down to is freedom. 

In pursuit of freedom, I’ve worked hard enough for the past three and a half years to be offered the scholarships I’m choosing between now (and more), because I’ve always known I don’t want to be trapped in North Carolina. If you have to stay in a place you hate (though I’m growing to love it more as leaving becomes more of the concrete, immediate future, rather than just the someday future), that’s not freedom. 

This summer, I felt trapped by the end of my six weeks at Governor’s School, and I was miserable. 

It’s hard for me to admit that, because there were things I loved, and most people loved the whole experience. I loved some of the classes, and I loved writing for the newspaper. The rest of it felt like “freedom” to most people, but to me, it was a cage with invisible bars.

No one woke you up in the morning for class, no one told you what to eat, no one told you when to sleep (though you did have to be in your room at a certain time), and that was freedom to them. They were blissfully happy and felt independent. They couldn’t see the bars of the cage.

We had to stay within the boundaries of Old Salem. This is a historical tourist area. We were trapped there. We had limited internet access because it wasn’t in the dorms, and the library was hardly open, so not only were we trapped in a boring geographic area, we were also isolated, to a large degree, from the outside world. We saw the same four hundred faces every day, and there was no chance for variety. We were trapped in a stifling routine, and that felt like a cage I couldn’t get out of. 

Now, with my college choices, I’m trying at all costs to avoid that feeling. I want to feel free. I want to have choices. I want to be able to escape monotony. I don’t want to feel trapped or tied down. 

So now the question is, what offers more freedom? A situation where I can take off to another country for a weekend, or one where every day presents opportunities to explore the same vast city? 

Well, apparrently the open-all-the-time concept (like Waffle House or Wal-Mart) is uniquely American, and I feel like that gives me, as a night owl, more freedom to go and do something no matter what time it is. Also apparently things in Germany are closed on Sundays. However, travel is more freeing than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’d have more travel opportunities in Europe. They are different types of freedom. Which is more freedom? That’s the question I’m trying to answer. Should it be?

I have two dreams. I’ve always had two dreams. I love the energy of a big city, and New York’s energy is unique, and I love it. I’ve always dreamed of living there. On the other hand, I’ve always loved foreign cultures, and I’ve always wanted to live in a foreign country, and travel has been a huge dream of mine. Which dream do I take now, and which dream will come around again? 

I don’t know the answers here. I’m just trying to figure things out.

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1 Comment »

  1. Wow…such a hard, hard decision. I wish I had some sort of advice but I’m afraid I wouldn’t know what to do either. :-/


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